(Humor) French Montana’s Album Review, As Told By The Kid Mero

FRENCH MONTANA’S ‘EXCUSE MY FRENCH’ IS A MASTERPIECE FULL OF ARBITRARY VIOLENCE AND STRIP CLUB SONATAS

By The Kid Mero

YO FRENCH MONTANA HAS BEEN CONSISTENTLY FUCKIN’ GREAT FOR A MINUTE NOW B SPANNING FROM COCAINE CITY TO THE MAX B ERA FRENCH AND NOW IN HIS CURRENT INCARNATION AS THE TRAP NIGGA FROM THE BX. I FUCKS WITH THIS DUDE HEAVY BECAUSE HE IS FROM THE BRONX AND SHOUTS OUT THE BRONX WHICH BRINGS A TEAR OF JOY AND PRIDE TO MY EYEBALL B. SINCE WE (THE BRONX) INVENTED RAP NIGGAS NEVER GIVE US OUR DUE AND EVEN SAY BLASPHEMOUS THINGS LIKE “RAP STARTED IN QUEENS” OR “BROOKLLYYYYYNNNNN!!!!”

FUCK OUTTA HERE THIS BX ALL DAY MY NIGGA JUUHEEEAARRRDDDD

I LISTENED TO THIS MASTERPIECE EXPECTING TO THOROUGHLY ENJOY A LARGE PERCENTAGE OF THE SHIT BUT LIKE MOST JOINTS THAT COME OUT NOWADAYS I’M LIKE “YO IF I LIKE 65% OF THIS ALBUM THEN IT IS A SUCCESS” WELL GUESS WHAT BALLBAGS. THIS IS 1000% FLAMES.

ONCE IN A WHILE
OH MAN THE MAX B INTRO. THE WAVIEST. DOING 75 JOINTS BECAUSE OF SOME GOON BEHAVIOR BUT THE STREETS NEED BIGAVELL B. ANY TYPE OF WAVE THAT MAX CAN PROVIDE IS A WELCOME ADDITION TO THIS SWAGGERLESS CLIMATE CURRENTLY PERVADING MUSIC. IDK IF I EVEN USED PERVADING IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT I DONT GIVE A FUCKINGTON BECAUSE FREE MAX B *WIPES TEAR WITH DURAG FLAP* THIS SONG IS A VERY SKRONG JUMP OFF FOR THIS ALBUM.

TRAP HOUSE
JUUHEEEEEAARRRDDD OMG OMG THIS SHIT IS STUUUUUUPID WAIT FOR THE BEAT TO DROP NIGGA THIS SHIT IS FUCKING RETARDED FUCK OMG I JUST PUNCHED MY KIDS IN THE FACIAL BRUH THIS IS FUCKIN HARD!! THIS IS DEFINITELY THE SINGLE AFTER “AINT WORRIED” THE COKEBOYS/MAYBACH MUSIC DROPS ARE AN INDICATOR THAT SHIT YOU ABOUT TO HEAR IS PURE FIRE. BIRDMAN “RAPS” ON THIS AND IT’S CRAZY CUZ THE NIGGA ACTUALLY RHYMES MORE THAN 55% OF HIS VERSE WHICH IS VERY RARE FOR BIRDMAN. THIS IS A REALLY GOOD SONG B NAHMEAN I WISH THERE WAS A MORE CREATIVE WAY TO SAY “I’LL JUMP OFF THE COUCH WHEN THIS COMES ON AND START THROWING UP GANG SIGNS” BUT THERE ISN’T *THROWS UP GANG SIGNS*

AINT WORRIED BOUT NOTHIN
YOU NIGGAS WANNA LAUGH? THE FIRST TIME I HEARD THIS WAS WHEN MISTER CEE WAS ON THE RADIO IN THE MORNING AND WAS LIKE “YO!! IM NOT GAY!! YO MATTERFACT!! CIPHA PLAY MY JOINT!!” AND THEN THIS CAME ON AND IT WAS SO HARD I TOTALLY DISREGARDED THE FACT MISTER CEE WAS TRYNA USE IT AS A METAPHOR FOR HIM HAVING BOOTY SEX WITH DUDES WHO ARE PROSTITUTES. USUALLY I’M IN A VERY MEMORABLE SITUATION WHEN I HEAR NEW FRENCH JOINTS LIKE FOR EXAMPLE FIRST TIME I HEARD “SHOT CALLER” I WAS AT A STRIP CLUB IN QUEENS AND THIS BITCH THAT LOOKED LIKE TIKI BARBER WAS TRYING REAL HARD TO GET ME TO PAY HER TO DO SEXUAL ACTIVITIES WHICH I DEFINITELY WAS NOT TRYNA DO. THIS IS A BANGER. SHOUTOUT TO EAST TREMONT WE OUT HERE HAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!

PARANOID
YOUNG CASH THANK YOU FOR THE LAZY RAP NAME. THIS IS KINDA TURNED DOWN FROM THE FIRST TWO JOINTS BUT THIS IS STILL A BANGER. JUST MAKE SURE YOU AIN’T SMOKING PARANOIA WEED TO THIS BECAUSE YOU’LL START SINGING ALONG AND SHOOT YOUR MOM BY ACCIDENT CUZ YOU THINK SHE’S SCHEMING ON YOU WHEN IN REALITY ALL SHE SAID WAS “JASON SWEETHEART I’M GOING TO MAKE A SANDWICH WOULD YOU LIKE ONE?” THIS IS A YOUNG CHOP BEAT SO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS B THIS IS STRICTLY FOR MEAN MUGGING YOU CAN’T HOLD HANDS WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO THIS B. YOU CAN’T BE BUYING PRODUCE TO THIS YOU GOTTA BE STARING AT NIGGAS AGGRESSIVELY OR SOME OTHER THUGGED OUT ACTIVITY LIKE TAKING ALL THE SUGAR PACKETS FROM THE LITTLE CONDIMENT HOLDER AT THE DINER. YOUNG CASH PUT LIKE 800000000 BULLETS IN HIS FICTIONAL ENEMY THOUGH TAKE IT EASY PAL THAT’S OVERKILL.

WHEN I WANT
LOL YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN NIGGAS USE A COUNTRY NAME JUST CUZ IT RHYMES. NAHMEAN NIGGAS WILL BE LIKE “I GOT CURVED FOR A BRICK BUT I GOT A SERBIAN WHIP” NIGGA I DID NOT KNOW SERBIA MADE EXPENSIVE SEDANS. I DON’T THINK SERBIA MAKES EXPENSIVE ANYTHING EXCEPT SEX SLAVES. MERO WHAT THAT GOT TO DO WITH THIS SONG? WELL FRENCH SAYS HE GOT A “BAD BITCH FROM TAIWAN” WHICH UNLESS YOU ARE A BIG FAN OF CHINESE FOOD RESTAURANT CALENDARS IS NOT REALLY A HOTBED OF “BAD BITCHES.” THAT SHIT IS DEFINITELY A HOTBED FOR MANUFACTURED GOODS SO MAYBE FRENCHY SHOULD SAID “I GOT A WRISTWATCH FROM TAIWAN” OR “I GOT A LIGHT UP YOYO FROM TAIWAN” BUT THAT DON’T FIT INTO THE RAP NIGGA NARRATIVE SO I GET IT.

FUCK WHAT HAPPENS TONIGHT
THIS BEAT IS KINDA TERRIBLE AND MAVADO SOUNDS WILD OUTTA PLACE. ACE HOOD IS LIKE TOMATO ON A BURGER B. LIKE IT MAKES THE BURGER MORE FILLING I GUESS BUT I’M NOT REALLY GONNA SEND THE SHIT BACK IF THERE’S NO TOMATO ON IT. THIS IS THE “I REALLY MEAN IT” BEAT THOUGH SHEESH WHO PRODUCED THIS? SCARFACE IS ON THIS TOO. HEY GUESS WHAT HIP-HOP LOVER PURISTS ASS NIGGAS. I DON’T REALLY LIKE SCARFACE! “MERO HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?!” SCARFACE IS OBVIOUSLY AN OG BUT I JUST NEVER REALLY ENJOYED THE NIGGA’S MUSIC. CAN I SAY THAT? IS THAT AGAINST THE RULES OF RAP HISTORY? THIS COULDA BEEN REALLY GOOD BUT THE BEAT SUCKS.

GIFTED
HAHAHA SCARFACE JUST SPIT SOME FURIOUS BARS ABOUT KILLING NIGGAS THEN THAT NIGGA ABEL GLIDES RIGHT INTO MY EARHOLES WITH HIS TRACY CHAPMAN FALSETTO SINGING ABOUT GETTING PAID AND DRINKING BROWN LIQUOR. THIS IS A REALLY GOOD SONG EVEN WITH THE 80’S TOM TOM SOUNDING THING THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I’M GONNA KARATE KICK CHUCK NORRIS IN THE CHEST WHILE WEARING A BANDANA ON MY HEAD LIKE HULK HOGAN AND A JEAN VEST WITH NO SHIRT ON.

BALLIN’ OUT
P DIDDY IS SO GOOD AT AMPING SHIT UP AND MAKING YOU FEEL OUTSTANDINGLY BROKE B. HE MUST MAKE HIS KIDS FEEL LIKE SHIT WHEN THEY FUCK UP. NAHMEAN LIKE THEY COME HOME FROM SCHOOL WITH A DETENTION AND DIDDY IS LIKE “YOU AIN’T ABOUT NOTHIN! YOU CAN’T DO IT LIKE US! BAD BOY BABY! BAD BOYS DON’T GET DETENTION! I’M BACK ON MY SHIT!! LAY DOWN!!” *SPANKS CHILD WHILE DOING DIDDY DANCE* JEREMIH IS ON THIS BUT REALLY IT COULDA BEEN ANY NIGGA FROM THE TERIUS NASH SCHOOL OF R&B. DIDDY VERSE ON THIS IS BASICALLY “NIGGA I’M SO RICH YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW RICH I AM, I’LL TRY TO EXPLAIN IT THOUGH” THIS BEAT LIKE THE ONES BEFORE IT IS STUPID FUCKIN HARD. FRENCH HAS A REALLY GOOD EAR FOR BEATS B.

I TOLD EM
I WAS WORRIED FOR A SECOND CUZ THE INTRO KINDA MADE ME THINK THIS WAS GONNA BE SOME FUCKSHIT DUBSTEP COLLABORATION SHIT. THANK YOU FRENCH FOR STAYING WAY OFF THAT WAVE. DUBSTEP AND RAP TOGETHER IS LIKE DRINKING A GLASS OF WARM MILK WITH A DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDER FROM MCDONALDS. SHIT IS THE WORST SO I’M REALLY HAPPY THAT WHAT I THOUGHT WAS DUBSTEP WAS JUST THE NIGGA WHO MADE THIS BEAT FUCKIN WITH THE ARPEGIATTOR SHIT ON HIS KEYBOARD. THIS SOUNDS KINDA LINKIN PARKISH RIGHT? AM I BUGGIN? THIS IS A GREAT FUCKING SONG THOUGH.

POP THAT
WOW WOW WOW WOW THIS WAS THE SONG OF THE SUMMER LAST SUMMER IF YOU AS A DJ WEREN’T PLAYING THIS AT A PARTY YOU WERE EITHER DJING FOR A BUNCH OF CORNBALLS OR YOU YOURSELF ARE A CORNBALL. THIS SHIT GOES SO FUCKING HARD I JUST CLOSE MY EYES AND AM INSTANTLY TRANSPORTED TO A BEACH WHERE THE OCEAN IS MOLLY WATER AND EVERY FEMALE THERE HAS A SURGICALLY ENHANCED ASS AND THEY ARE JUST SURROUNDING ME POURING COCKTAILS IN MY MOUTH PAUSE. ALSO THEY ARE TOPLESS. SHOUTOUT TO UNCLE LUKE. SHOUT OUT MY BITCHES TOO….ALSO SHOUTOUT TO RICH JUZWIAK FOR TALKING ABOUT HOW PROGRESSIVE 2 LIVE CREW WAS FOR TALKING ABOUT ENJOYING GETTING THEY ASS ATE. I WASN’T TOUCHIN’ THAT ONE. DRAKE KILLED THIS VERSE. BODIED IT. THAT’S NOT UP FOR DEBATE I DON’T CARE IF YOU HATE DRAKE HE’S KINDA LIKE LEBRON IN THAT EVEN IF YOU HATE THE NIGGA YOU GOTTA ADMIT HE’S VERY GOOD AT WHAT HE DOES. LIL WAYNE NEEDS TO GET BACK ON DRUGS AND DO MORE “PROSTITUTE FLANGE” AND LESS “MUDDAFUCKA AHM AWN MAH SKATEBOAD!”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1FK7yKRVXQ?feature=player_detailpage]

FREAKS
GAHD DAAAAMN I HATE NICKI MINAJ  B SHE IS OUTRAGEOUSLY IRRITATING. YO! YOU KNOW WHO WOULDA BEEN FUCKIN’ GREAT ON THIS IN LIEU OF ONIKA MINAJ? (AND I’M SURE IS NOT DOING ANYTHING?) FUCKING PATRA! IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHO PATRA IS YOU WERE NOT GETTING LAID IN THE 90’S. I WAS GONNA SAY LADY SAW BUT THIS IS A GOOD SONG AND DESERVES A VIDEO AND LADY SAW LOOKS LIKE TONY ALLEN WHICH IS NOT POPPING IN A VISUAL. THIS IS A GOOD SONG TO THROW ON AT A PARTY BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE WOMEN DANCE IN AN EROTIC FASHION WHICH IS WHAT YOU WANT IF YOU AT A PARTY LETS BE HONEST. YOU DONT WANNA SIT THERE TWEETING ABOUT HOW THE PARTY IS “TURNT UP” WHEN WHATS REALLY HAPPENING IS THAT YOU SITTING THERE ALTERNATELY TWEETING AND REFRESHING YOUR INSTAGRAM B. THAT SHIT AIN’T TURNT UP AT ALL.

WE GO WHEREVER WE WANT
YOOO!!!!! I DON’T EVEN CARE THAT NEYO IS DOING HIS LITTLE FEDORA DANCE ALL OVER THIS SHIT B THIS SHIT IS STILL TOUGH. I WAS WAITING FOR A HOMICIDE ASS EAST COAST BEAT AND THIS ICE CREAM INSPIRED SHIT IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR AND THEN RAEKWON DOES A NINJA FRONTFLIP IN THE WINDOW AND KICKS A VERY CHEFFY VERSE. EXCELLENT MUSIC.

BUSS IT OPEN
OH LAWD THIS NIGGA JUST CRAFTED ANOTHER MASTERFUL STRIP CLUB SONATA B. I MEAN YOU JUST GOTTA READ THE TITLE TO UNDERSTAND THIS IS A STRAIGHT UP FAKE ASSCHEEK ACTIVATION SONG. SO MUCH PUSSY TALKING AND TITTY EXPOSING IS GONNA OCCUR TO THIS IN SUMMER 2013 MY PAL. I HOPE YOU NIGGAS READY BECAUSE YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS GONNA CHEAT ON YOU WHEN THAT NIGGA JULIO WITH THE CURLY HAIR OFFERS HER A RIDE HOME AFTER THE COMPANY PICNIC WHERE SHE HAD WAY TOO MUCH TO DRINK, THIS SONG IS GONNA BE THE CATALYST TO THAT SHIT HAPPENING B.

DRINK FREELY
FRENCH DOING HIS ABSOLUTE BEST DRAKE IMPRESSION ON THIS SHIT AND YOU KNOW WHAT I’M NOT EVEN MAD AT THIS SHIT AT ALL. FOR A COUPLE REASONS ONE OF WHICH IS I LIKE TO DRINK FREELY IF WHAT FRENCH MEANS BY THAT IS THAT I’M NOT PAYING FOR MY DRINKS. ALSO, WHEN WOMEN DRINK FREELY I GET LAIDLY SO HOW CAN YOU BE MAD AT A SONG THAT PROMOTES FREE LOVE AND THE BROADENING OF YOUR HORIZONS AND SHIT LIKE THAT? YOU CAN’T. UNLESS YOU A BITCH ASS NIGGA. I ASK YOU DEAR READER, ARE YOU A BITCH ASS NIGGA?

THROW IT IN THE BAG
I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT THIS SONG IS ABOUT I DIDNT EVEN LISTEN, IT COULD BE ABOUT PERFORMING ANALINGUS ON A KANGAROO FAM I DO NOT GIVE ANY FUCKS BECAUSE THIS BEAT IS IMMACULATE. BEAUTIFUL SONIC BACKDROP TO WHATEVER B. HE COULDA JUST NAMED THIS SONG “HAAANH” AND JUST BEEN LIKE “HAAAAANH” ALL OVER THE SHIT AND I WOULD STILL BE DOING THAT SHIT WHERE YOU STOPPED AT A LIGHT LISTENING TO MUSIC AND YOU KINDA TAP YOUR FOOT ON THE BRAKE AND YOUR CAR “DANCES”…THAT’S AN EXTREMELY CORNY THING TO DO ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU DRIVING A HONDA ACCORD WITH A BABY SEAT IN THE BACK BUT PLEASE FIND YOUR WAY TO MY FAQ PAGE TO FIND OUT ABOUT IF I GIVE A FUCK B.

MARBLE FLOORS
“SO THE NIGGA CALLED ME HE LIKE…”
“YOU FUCKIN MY BITCH?”
“I’M LIKE, IM FUCKIN HER RIGHT NOW!”
DO I NEED TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT THIS SONG? NAH I DON’T. THIS SHIT IS FUCKIN’ FIRE NIGGA.

OCHO CINCO
DIDDY HAD TO THROW HIS WORMBURGER AFFILIATES ALL OVER THIS AND IT STILL COULDN’T RUIN THIS MASTERPIECE OF MODERN PROSE. “TELL DAT BITCH GIMME HEAD! OCHO CINCO!” IS ONE OF THE MOST PROFOUND STATEMENTS OF OUR GENERATION B. WHEN ALIENS INVADE EARTH AND THEY LIKE “HUMAN NIGGAS…TELL US WHAT YALL NIGGAS BOUT.” I’LL JUST BLAST THIS OFF MY IPHONE SPEAKER AND START COOKIN LIKE A MUHFUCKA. MACHINE GUN KELLY IS THE WORST B I CAN HEAR THAT NIGGA WEAR A DENIM VEST AND SNEERING ALL OVER THIS SHIT B. CMON PAL YOU WAS WEARING 3XL WHITE TEES 7 MONTHS AGO NOW YOU DRESS LIKE TRAVIS BARKER MAKING FUN OF TRAVIS BARKER. DIDDY STARTED OFF HIS VERSE LIKE “YO BITCH (PAUSE)” AND THAT SHIT IS EXTREMELY APPROPRIATE BECAUSE DIDDY PROBABLY HAS MORE MONEY THAN IVANKA TRUMPS CLITORIS.

I GIVE THIS SHIT 5 PILES OF DUTCHGUTS OUTTA 5 (DUH) THIS IS THIS GENERATION’S ILLMATIC AND IF YOU DISAGREE YOU’VE NEVER SHOT A GUN AT ANOTHER HUMAN OR BOUGHT A CHEESEBURGER COMBO FROM KENNEDY FRIED CHICKEN B. YOU NEVER LIVED THAT FUCKIN’ LIFE B YOU NEVER ROLLED A BLUNT ON THE BACK OF THE 9 BUS WHILE YOU WERE ON YOUR WAY TO HAVE SEX WITH A LATINA WOMAN IN HER MOM’S HOUSE WHILE HER MOMS WAS GROCERY SHOPPING AT C-TOWN. YOU AIN’T ABOUT THAT LIFE MY NIGGA YOU NEVER SNUCK A CIGARETTE INTO BOOKINGS AND SOLD IT FOR $20 THEN BOUGHT WEED WITH THAT $20 UPON YOUR RELEASE WITHOUT EVEN GOING HOME TO CHANGE FIRST. SO YOUR COMMENTARY ON THIS BRILLIANT REAL NIGGA MUSIC IS IRRELEVANT AT BEST.

Source: Noisey.Vice.Com (The Kid Mero)

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